Natural Relationships

Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power.

Colossians 2:8-10

There is much discussion and many teachings coming forth these days about relationships. It seems that no matter where we turn, there is a continual pressure to focus on the family. But though there is an abundance of books and teachings on family relationships, not very much of it is actually based on the Word of God. Rather, it is based more on philosophy, vain deceit, and the tradition of men.

Satan is very skilled at using our weaknesses to ruin us, and the area in which we humans are the most vulnerable is our emotions and our relationships. God designed human beings for relationship, first with Himself, then with each other. No matter how much wealth, or power, or fame, or glory people acquire, they are never satisfied until they find a relationship with someone. To be in a relationship is our most fundamental need because that is what we were created for. Naturally, when our relationship with God does not hold top priority, relationships with other people automatically become the most important things in our lives.

Then one of them, which was a lawyer, asked him a question, tempting him, and saying, Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 22:35-40

Because we humans are so vulnerable in the areas of relationships and emotions, the very first commandment God gave to His people at Mt. Sinai was the one that would provide protection for these very areas of vulnerability: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. [Ex. 20:3] When explaining the essence of the Law to the people of Israel, Moses said, Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God is one LORD: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. [Deut 6:4-5] When asked which commandment was the greatest, this is the passage Jesus quoted, for herein lies the fullest meaning of the First Commandment.

God was to remain first in the lives of the Hebrews. Jesus made it clear that under the New Covenant nothing has changed, for He said that the greatest commandment was to love God with all our hearts, minds, and souls. Of course, Christians give lip service to this commandment but few really live it. Most are involved in all kinds of relationships that are just as important, even more important to them than their relationship with God.

While he yet talked to the people, behold, his mother and his brethren stood without, desiring to speak with him. Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Matthew 12:46-50

People have speculated as to who came to see Jesus and why they came. Was it really his actual sisters and brothers? Did they come to distract Him in some way? But the important lesson here is not so much who came or why they came because the Lord’s words were not directed to them, and quite probably they never even heard His response. Rather, His words were directed to the one who interrupted Him.

What that individual was saying by his actions was that family relationships are more important than obedience to God. He was telling Jesus to stop teaching, to stop obeying the Father’s will at that moment and give place to the demand of natural relationships. Jesus saw that in his mind, family takes precedence over the work of the Kingdom. So He goes right for the root of the problem and asks: who is my mother? and who are my brethren? Then He pointed to His disciples (not to the crowd) and said: Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother. Jesus was telling this person that all natural relationships must be subservient to our relationship with God.

Was the Lord denying His natural relationship with His mother? No. But He was putting it in its proper place and perspective. Obedience to God first, loyalty to God first, love for God first, family duties and relationships second. In addition, said Jesus, anyone who is doing the will of the Father, though they be not my natural family, are just as important to me as my natural family. Keep in mind that He was referring to His mother, who we know was a believer, a godly woman. It is not as if Jesus said those who do the will of His Father were just as important to Him as His un-saved family members. They were just as important to Him as His redeemed family members.

For the natural man, this is an inconceivable way to view life and family. It is doubtful that very many Christians will ever understand what the Lord actually said here. Fewer still will ever be able to walk with Him in this kind of Kingdom life. His words reflect a reality that is totally foreign to everything around us, both in our secular and our church culture. His attitude towards natural relationships was certainly holy and right, yet it was so far beyond anything that is being taught today, we dare not even explore it too deeply at this point. God’s people cannot handle it because it goes against all the fundamental impulses of the soul. Indeed, the mind and emotions find it extremely offensive and recoil from it. Still, Jesus said it and He was living it. All we can do is encourage the brethren to consider what He said.

And he said unto another, Follow me. But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God. And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house. And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.

Luke 9: 59-62

Here we have two would-be disciples of Jesus. The first one is called by the Lord, the second one volunteers his service. Both have a similar problem; family relationships and responsibilities are top priority in their lives. The first man wants to fulfil his duty as a son and display his loyalty to his parents by burying his father before joining the disciples. Carrying out a family duty like burying a father is certainly not wrong, yet in this instance the Lord knew that fulfilling a proper family duty, even one as necessary as that, would have kept this man from following Him. So He told him to let the (spiritually) dead bury the (physically) dead and follow Him.

This might seem harsh to us but it was actually a manifestation of God’s love for the man. What would have been harsh, is if the Lord would have just let the man return home without saying what He did, knowing that if he went back he would miss the Kingdom of God.

The second man wanted to go back and say farewell to his family. Again, this would be the right thing to do under normal circumstances. Surely it is irresponsible for a family member to just up and disappear without a word. Yet Jesus must have known that if he went and did the proper thing, he too would miss the Kingdom.

It is not hard to imagine him going home and telling his family that he wanted to follow the Rabbi from Nazareth. It is easy to imagine them saying that God would never ask anyone to forsake their own family. You can imagine them begging and pleading with him not to go, putting him on a guilt trip. And it is easy to imagine him caving into the pressure. So Jesus tells him not to even go back and say goodby. To us this seems cruel, but what seems cruel to us, many times is actually the love of God. We must learn to see things as God sees them.

It was in the context of family relationships that Jesus said, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. He was not referring to apostasy and backsliding in general. He was talking about allowing our natural relationships to interfere with our spiritual walk. God has instituted family relationships and duties and they are not to be ignored or despised. But they must be kept in their proper place. They must remain subservient to our relationship and duty to God as His sons and daughters.

Jesus was saying that once we make a decision to follow Him we must never allow any family relationship, duty, or responsibility - regardless of how right and proper they may be - to interfere with our complete obedience to His will. If we allow them to interfere with our obedience to the Lord we simply are not fit for the Kingdom.

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

Matthew 10:34-36

Jesus said he came to bring a sword, not peace to the earth. Actually, He did come to bring us peace, but not the kind of peace the carnal man is looking for. He did come to bring an inner peace that is the fruit of union with Him. He did come to give us a peace that passes all understanding, a peace that cannot be affected by external circumstances. But He did not come to give us the kind of peace that our carnal nature craves. The Adamic man wants God to lavish material blessings on him. He wants prosperity, good health, and a wonderful family. He wants God to make him happy and keep him from all suffering and pain. But instead, Jesus allows pain and suffering to be our lot in life because He knows that only these things produce spiritual growth. He knows that as long as everything is going our way we will remain immature and self-centered.

Part of the suffering believers must endure is separation from loved ones. The sword that Messiah brings is the sword of division. When He comes to a home, truth comes to that home. Those who love darkness reject His truth and His presence, while those who love light receive His truth and His presence. Eventually, a spiritual division comes between loved ones.

Moreover, spiritual division is not confined to the kind that comes between saved and un-saved family members. Just as often that sword will pass between believing family members. It will divide those who are hungry for more of Jesus from those who are not.

Many times obedience to God will take us in directions that other family members have no desire to travel. It will lead us down paths that they simply do not understand. God will ask us to do things that He does not ask of them. When these situations arise we must choose between keeping the peace with family or obedience to God. If we choose obedience, the sword falls between us and them, and this division produces jealousy, animosity, bitterness, and hatred. This is why Jesus said that a man’s enemies will be those of his own house.

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Matthew 10:37

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26

No true disciple of Messiah can love family more than God. Indeed, Jesus stated that we must hate them - comparatively. That is, when family duties and relationships begin to interfere with our obedience to God we must deal with those relationships as our enemies. When they begin to replace our love for Him we must deal with those relationships as our enemies. When they begin to steal our time from Him we must deal with those relationships as our enemies. In short, when duties and affection for family comes in competition with our Savior we must choose Him, regardless of the consequences.

The only way we will ever be able to love others the way we should, the only way we can keep all our relationships in their proper place, is if we are loving God above everyone else in this world. The reason there are so many messed-up relationships among God’s people, the reason Christian bookstores are full of books on how to fix bad relationships, and the reason Christian family counseling has become a multi-million dollar industry, is simply because the Lord’s people are breaking the first commandment. They are involved in idolatry and God is judging those relationships.

Of course, the family relationship which receives the most attention today is the marriage relationship. An endless procession of books on the subject of marriage continues to flow into Christian bookstores. But strangely, none of them ever encourage a single life. Wait for marriage, yes. Pray for the right mate, yes. But consider remaining single forever? Never! And why not? Didn’t Paul say it is better not to marry?

So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better. A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment - and I think I also have the Spirit of God.

NKJ I. Corinthians 7:38-40

Could he have said it any clearer? She who is given in marriage does well, but she who is not given in marriage does better. The issue is not between right and wrong. This issue is between well and better. A wife that loses her husband is perfectly free to remarry (in the Lord), but Paul says she will be happier if she remains unmarried. How could he say such a thing? He could say such a thing because he knew something that modern Christianity has never learned: that the most fulfilling kind of life is a life that is totally devoted to Jesus. When we are alone God can become our all in all.

For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

I. Corinthians 7:7-9

Paul said that he wished all men could be as he was - he was unmarried. We don’t know if he was ever married, but we know that he was not married when he wrote this epistle. He said if believers cannot contain the desire to marry then let them marry - they have not sinned. But he also said that if we have power over that desire, it is better to remain single.

Paul never says that the desire to marry is wrong or that marriage itself is wrong. Quite the contrary. He warned the churches that only seducing spirits or doctrines of devils would forbid God’s people to marry. [I. Tim. 4:1-3] Yet, he still said it is better not to marry if you have power over that desire.

Marriage is good, of this there can be no doubt. But remaining single is better - if we can handle it. One reason why it is better has already been given. A second reason it is better to remain single is because those who marry will have trouble in the flesh. Also, they will have to continually be on guard against divided loyalties. Paul gave the best advise on the subject: we should be content with the state we are in when we come to Christ.

Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you should marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin should marry, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you...But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and {his interests} are divided. And the woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly, and {to secure} undistracted devotion to the Lord.

NAS I. Corinthians 7:27-28 & 32-35

Marriage is not wrong, and certainly, no one should be against it. But seeking a mate is definitely not what we, as believers, have been called to. The only thing we are to be seeking is the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. It is good to marry, but it is better not to marry. It is better to voluntarily choose a life of undistracted devotion to the Lord. Having power over the desire to marry is a gift from God, said brother Paul. Not all men have this gift. But if you have it, and you choose not to marry so you can serve the Lord without distraction, then choosing not to marry is definitely the better way. Isn’t this what Paul is saying?

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry. But he said unto them, all men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Matthew 19:9-12

Jesus said not all men can receive the under- standing that is it good not to marry. Only those to whom it is given can receive it - and today, very few have been given it. But many more could receive this power if they would only ask God for it. The reason so few ask for it is because Christian leaders totally ignore what Paul said. All they ever say is wait for the mate God has picked for you. That is certainly godly counsel. The only problem is, it is not the whole counsel of God. The rest of the counsel of God is to ask the Lord if He has a mate picked for us at all. Maybe He is calling us to an unmarried life. Few Christians today will accept that such a possibility even exists, let alone that it could exist for them!

Unfortunately, our religious leaders are no better. This kind of life is never presented as an option. You never hear them telling people, especially young people, to pray about taking Paul’s better way. This is because so few religious leaders actually believe the old apostle. They don’t really believe that it is a better way. Be that as it may, some have been given power over that desire. Some have received this gift and have made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom of heaven’s sake.

Regardless of how many Christians could receive this power, Jesus knew that not very many of them would receive it. He knew that there was no chance of a situation arising in which too many believers were choosing a single life. He knew that children would never have to be placed on the endangered species list, for there will always be plenty of Christians producing plenty of babies. This is precisely why He never said it was wrong to remain unmarried. This is why He never discouraged people from choosing that way of life. Quite the contrary. What He said was, he that is able to receive it, let him receive it. In other words, if you can handle it, go for it.

The Scripture is pretty clear. Neither Jesus or Paul discouraged an unmarried life. Paul said quite frankly that a single life is the better way if we have power over the desire to marry. He never taught (or insinuated) that a single life is incomplete, or that it constitutes a lesser quality of existence. He said just the opposite. He said, ye are complete in him. Why then is this option never encouraged? Why is it never discussed, or even mentioned? Why has it been so completely ignored? The reason is simple. Today’s Christianity is carnal and self-centered.

But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none; And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not; And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away.

I. Corinthians 7:28-31

Just in case those to whom Paul was writing missed his point, he lays it out clearly. Though there is nothing wrong with having possessions or experiencing relationships, our attention and affection should be focused on things eternal, not on things temporal. Those who have wives should be as though they had none. Those who weep (because they have no mate) should be as though they wept not. Those who rejoice (because they have found a mate) should be as though they rejoiced not.

Why? Because, said Paul, the fashion of this world passeth away. When we focus on natural relationships we are focusing on things that are destined to pass away. The time that should be used in cultivating a deeper relationship with Messiah is given to the enjoyment of our temporal relationships. Those relationships are going to pass away and when they do, we will be left with nothing.

The sad reality is, believers do not want to accept the whole counsel of the apostle Paul. We are quick to quote him when he says things we like to hear - like the fact that relationships are good, that they were established by God. Yet we totally ignore his statements on the temporal nature of those relationships, as well as his admonition to not focus our lives on them. The reason we refuse to accept his whole counsel is simply because we cannot deal with it, emotionally or mentally. We cannot accept that all such relationships are part of the temporal realm, and we refuse to live in the reality that they are destined to pass away.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Ephesians 5:25-32

For those who choose to marry, Paul gives some advise that is both temporal and eternal in character. Without denigrating or denying the proper relationship between a husband and wife, he says that this natural relationship is merely a picture of a greater kind of spiritual relationship with Messiah that is available.

After discussing the proper roles of those who are married, he says, I am not really discussing natural marriage here at all, I am talking about the relationship between Christ and His Church. All believers (men and women, young and old alike) are to marry Messiah. We are to become flesh of His flesh and bone of His bone.

Yet we do not automatically experience this intimate marriage relationship with Messiah as a result of conversion or baptism, anymore than we automatically come to full spiritual maturity, or bear His full image, or possess total sanctification. Marriage with Messiah is much the same as natural marriage. We can be close to Him or distant. We can spend time with Him or we can spend time with other family and friends. Our communication with Him can be clear or it can be muddled. We can invest our whole being in Him, in His desires, in His work, or we can live our own (Christian) lives, giving only the amount of time and devotion to Him that is required in order to keep bearing His name. We can love Him for the gifts He gives us and the things He provides for us, or we can love Him for who He is. We can also be unfaithful to Him and commit adultery.

Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God.

Romans 7:4

Just as a man leaves his natural mother and father to be joined to his wife, so believers are to leave their Adamic nature, their Adamic life - with its goals, and desires, and talents, and wisdom, and relationships - and be joined in spiritual union to the second Adam, Jesus Christ. Out of that union there should come forth in us a new kind of life, a spiritual life, a life that desires to focus on things eternal. A life that is consumed with Messiah and the realm in which He dwells. This is why Paul said:

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Colossians 3:1-2

Set your affection on things above, said Paul. Set your love and your desires on Jesus Christ - the One who gave His life for you. Set your affections on the realm in which He dwells. Don’t set your affections on the things of this earth, and friends, natural relationships are part of the earthly, temporal realm.

Christians really have no concept of what it means to actually be married to Jesus Christ. Their lives are wrapped up in their natural and church relationships. Once again, this is partially due to the fact that we have been taught error. We are being taught that in order to prove that you really love God, you must love (ie. focus all your attention on) people.

People are divided between the saved and the lost. So in order to love unsaved mankind you must focus all your life’s energies and time on evangelizing the world. In order to love saved mankind you must spend all your time and energies on church ministry. But when our lives are focused on people, when we are finding our fulfillment in them, it is impossible to experience that full union with Messiah that is available to each and every believer.

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

Luke 10:38-42

Here we have two kinds of believers, typified in these two sisters. There was Martha, who was totally focused on ministering. She was not doing anything wrong. She was a godly, dedicated servant of the Lord, caring for the needs of the brethren. Indeed, someone had to do what she was doing. Yet there is one drawback to this kind of life. We will be careful and troubled about many things. We will bypass a certain closeness to the Lord. Still, we will have the love and adoration of the people to whom we are continually ministering - and with that, many are satisfied. They feel fulfilled by it.

Then there was Mary, who, like King David, said in her heart, the LORD is the portion of mine inheritance. [Psalms 16:5] The Lord, not merely His blessings, or His provisions, or His people, but He Himself. He is my goal. He is mine inheritance. So she sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word. She too was a godly, dedicated servant of the Lord. She too was doing nothing wrong. It was just that she chose to give her undivided attention to the Master instead of dividing it between Him and men.

Martha knew nothing of this kind of devotion. She only knew the kind of devotion that manifested itself as the servant of men. She assumed that this is what being a believer was all about. So she assumed that Mary was avoiding her share of that responsibility. She went and complained to the Lord, thinking that He would tell Mary to be a good girl and go do her religious duty. But what He said was, one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part.

One thing is needful brethren! There are millions and millions of Christians on this planet like Martha. They are God’s people. He loves them and they love him - as much as they are capable of loving Him. They are saved and filled with the Spirit. They are godly folk but their first concern is ministering unto men, either unsaved men through evangelism or saved men through church ministry. Ministering to men is not wrong. It is a necessary work in the Kingdom of God. But those who focus their lives on this work will of necessity be careful and troubled about many things. They will miss many opportunities to cultivate an intimate marriage union with the Lord of Glory.

God loves those who only understand devotion to Him through ministering to men. He will not despise those who can only find partial fulfillment in Him, who must also find fulfillment in relationships - as long as these relationships do not become idolatrous. He will bless them where they are. He will be their Savior, and provider, and healer. Yet there will be a dimension of life with Him and a closeness to Him that they will never experience.

One of the things any expert on human relationships will tell you is that you will never get more out of a relationship than you put into it. It is the same with our relationship with Messiah. Every person is going to get exactly what they put in. Every person is going to end up in exactly the place they have chosen, for all eternity. God will never force anyone to do anything, to be anything, or to go anywhere they choose not to. He will never force us to let Him become our all in all. Because this is true, many believers are short-changing themselves right now and they are going to be very disappointed in the Day of the Lord.

We need to understand that Messiah wants a people for Himself. He wants a wife who has eyes for Him alone. He wants a body who’s loyalties are undivided, who will leave everything - including relationships - to sit at His feet. He wants brethren who will follow Him wherever He goes. He wants a firstfruits company of saints who will stay true to Him and stay pure for Him. The greatest rewards and the closest union with Messiah are reserved for those who have set their affections on Him, who are looking for Him, who have their eyes on Him, not on the temporal things of this life.

The opportunity for a life of total fulfillment through union with Messiah is being made available to any believer who wants it badly enough, and who is willing to pay the price to have it. The price is to sit at the Master’s feet and find our complete fulfillment in Him. Those who choose such a walk may be despised by the Martha’s who are busy, busy, busy, loving and serving men, but they are not despised by the Master. They are greatly loved by Him for He knows that these despised ones will be the fulness of His joy one day. Ye are complete in him.